Control Your Controlling Relationship
If you’re in a controlling relationship and are being controlled, it’s time to take back your control.
Before we get into the steps to controlling your relationship instead of being manipulated and kept in line, lets look at what a controlling relationships is.
Before we begin to understand what a control relationship is I want to point out that controlling in relationships occur by both men and women, so it doesn’t matter if you are male or female, you can be made to feel as a second class individual through your partners control of the relationship. This is never healthy, and never a position you should be in any relationship.
5 Signs Your In A Controlling Relationship.
1) Your opinion doesn’t count.
If you find yourself constantly giving in to his or her desires and let your take a back seat, there’s a very good chance you’re being manipulated and controlled.
There are many warning signs associated with this type of behavior. You will discover that eventually you give up visiting your friends, or family, or give up things you loved doing because He or She doesn’t want to participate or it’s just easier to “go with the flow”
2) The manipulative person says “I love you so much” or No one will love you as much as I do”
Now before you panic, it’s always nice and often very healthy for someone to tell you they love you. It’s what we all desire. But when a manipulative controlling individual says it - in your gut you know it’s not meant as nice as the words sound. There’s a catch even if that catch is never stated.
This how individuals take control of relationships.
It’s not that you doubt their love, it’s more that instead of building you up, it feels like no one else will ever love you, You feel less empowered instead of more empowered.
This is exactly what the person in charge wants you to feel.
They don’t want you to have independence, they want you to rely on them. And to isolate you.
3) Relationships with others become strained.
Have you noticed that tension is in the air when you talk about other relationships you have. The controller is constantly belittling the other person, or group. They are not good enough for you. The controller doesn’t want to be around them.
Your mate wants to isolate you in order to take control of the relationship.
4) Are your friends and family pointing out danger signs you are ignoring?
Do you notice yourself saying, “No he/she isn’t doing that?” or No, He or she is not like that?
If others are pointing out negative traits and you are ignoring them or making excuses for your partners faults this could be a sign you are being controlled. Look at it this way, are all of these independent viewpoints wrong? Or are you making excuses for inappropriate behavior?
If you are making excuses, changes are your in a controlling relationship.
5) Fear is constantly being brought up in the controlled relationship.
Fear is insidious. It is within itself controlling. It is used to manipulate.
Lines such as, “I am doing this because I am afraid you will leave me.” ” I act this way because I love you so much.” “You shouldn’t go there, you might get hurt.” ” Let me go with you so you will be safe’
Taken as a single line every now and then these can be signs of a caring loving and healthy desire to protect you, but if said often and used to prevent you from going places, seeing things, being with others, it’s a sure sign your partner is trying to control you and control the relationship.
So what can you do to break the controlling relationship cycle?
5 Tips To Break The Control Of A Controlling Relationship.
Understand control is manipulative and often very subtle. The controlling individual takes baby steps toward total control.
If someone said on day one of your relationship, I don’t want you to see any of your friends or family anymore, you’d run screaming get away from me. So little steps need to be taken to control you and make you think oh this is ok. The controller will work on one facet of the relationship at a time, removing smaill pieces from your life, until suddenly they have removed all your friends and family, and have done so in part with your cooperation.
It’s not what you intended, nor wanted, but control and controlled relationships are subtle and insidious. Control creeps in and then grows. So breaking it is not going to be easy. So be prepared.
Here are some steps to break the control of a controlling relationship.
1) One person can be wrong, many are not likely to be mistaken.
If you notice many people are saying something is wrong, there is a problem. Don’t ignore the warning signs and stop making excuses. Sure one or two people might just not understand a particular situation, but if many people are saying, what’s going on? This is not right. Don’t pass it off. Stop and re-evaluate things. Identify what is wrong, and use peoples questions as a way to find what the trouble spots might be.
2) Partnerships are a two way street.
If you feel your word isn’t be heard, stick to your guns and be heard. All healthy relationships have some give and take. ( I will give here, but you need to give there) If you constantly giving and never receiving, start to demand some equal time and communication, and equal desires to be met.
In a violent situation this can be scary, so be sure to have support system in place before taking this step.
3) Don’t be afraid to get support outside of your relationship.
Trying to break a controlling relationship yourself, without help, is daunting. Get help and support outside of your relationship. Tell people what is going on. Draw strength from their views, their thoughts, and their desire to help you and see you happy.
It’s almost impossible to make the significant changes that are or may be needed within a controlled relationship alone. Seek help.
4) Don’t be mean or seek revenge.
You want to be your own person, do not stoop to a lower than yourself level. Resist the temptation to strike back, control or get revenge. It only escalates the possibility of violence, and begins a power struggle to control each other and the relationship. He or she will try to regain control through whatever means they can. Fighting them will give them ammunition to fight harder, and be even more controlling by blaming you for “upsetting the apple cart.’ Don’t fuel the fire.
You want to cool the flames of control and encourage open communication and respect. You can only do this by giving and showing respect for the person who is attempting to control the relationship.
5) Get out if you need to. – Plan ahead of time
Don’t stay in a situation that escalates, becomes violent, or turns into a war. Your life, your safety, your respect is more important than a relationship.
Have places you can go to immediately if the need arises. this includes shelters. This includes the need to provide alternate places for your children to stay, if you have children. You must be protected and have your basic needs met.
Know what legally you can and can not do. If you must get restraining orders.
Hopefully your fight for independence will never lead to your need to get away or protect you and possibly your children, but don’t try and change things until these precautions are in place.
Controlling relationships are insidious, slow moving monsters. You breaking out of a controlling situation is likely to be hard. very hard. Plan ahead, make back up plans, protect yourself at all times, hold on to your right to be respected, to be treated well, and to have independence.
The road may look bleak, but once through the tunnel of control, future relationships can be looked on with a renewed hope. You do not need to be in a controlling relationship, now or in the future. There is hope.
If you are interested in more information you may want to read my article on relationship controlling
Relationship Controlling
Relationship controlling is often so subtle that most people don’t know what’s happening until they feel trapped. They feel the relationship is being controlled and they are in a relationship controlling type of fight. Either they will win, or their spouse or partner will win. It feels like a no win situation.
There are many reasons why someone might feel controlled within a relationship, but often the signs of control are similiar regardless of the two individuals involved.
Controlling relationships usually due to fear. The controlling individual is often reacting out of a fear from their past relationships or events that have occurred within their lives. It’s not often based in reaklity.
Unfortunately the result is a brooding cloud over the whole relationship. They only feel secure if they are controlling the relationship. They need to be in control.
Gender is not a factor when it comes to controlling relationships.. Men are easier to spot than controlling women, simply because people within society have come to understand and know and acknowledge men as controlling. They are in charge. They are the boss. It’s sterotypical, but the view is always present within our culture.
Women, however can be the one who is the dominate partner in a relationship controlling situation. The abuse they perpetrate on their male subjects is no less damaging than the control and abuse men perpetrate on women.
Jealousy can often be an integral part of control and abuse. There is a huge difference between a partner who is angry or annoyed because you blew them off or did not live up to expectations, and someone who is angry despite you have lived up to expectations, and or have not broken any agreements between the two fo you. Anger born out of suspicion, jealousy, or fear, with no basis in reality is not normal. It’s also very dangerous.
Initially, the signs of a controlling relationship might resemble clingy behavior. But over a long period of time it begins to become clear that it wasn’t clingyness at all, but instead a desire to control.
Momentary thoughts and actions of kindness are all part of a relationship controlling atmosphere. Don’t be fooled. These thoughts and actions are often used to control, not to truly support you.
It’s natural in a healthy relationship to want to care for someone else. It’s not natural when you’re expected to ‘fall in line’ and behave the way the controlling individual wants. Often it’s small things that lead to a feeling of hopelessness, and total control.
Slowly one partner taks full control over the other partner’s entire life . The one being controlled in the relationship will discover that eventually old friends will be left behind. They’ll need to keep track of everything they do.. The will be restricted from from eating out. If they desire something more often than not the answer is no. When it is yes, often, as mentioned above, it is just another form of control. In a relationship controlling situation, the yes is used to give a little, so that later the controlling person can take even more, and thus control the relationship even more. It’s a insidious cycle.
Before you can regain your individuality back, you need to put an end to the destructive cycle. While the steps are directed towards romantic relationships, they do apply to any kind of relationship.
If your behavior wouldn’t in a normal realtionship be the cause of jealousy, or anger, yet jealousy engulfs the relationship, then there is a problem. When a partner unreasonably clingy, or if a person is so caught off guard finding someone they love they simply are too afraid to let go of them, even for a moment – there is a problem. Regardless of the reasons, if there are any signs of a controlling relationship behaviors, actions, feelings and emotions need to be dealt with immediately.
Once in a while the controlling individual can desire to change and actually make changes to let go of the relationship controlling behavior, and thoughts. Sometimes, this can happen whil the relationship is still intact – which is a great result. Often, however, the partner doesn’t have the ability change. As such the relationship has little chance to change.
There is hope whenever the controlling individual within a relationship can face that they are in need of changing, for the betterment of all concerned (including themselves). When this happens true joy can be achieved through a lot of hard work, understanding and maybe even some outside intervention.
If you would like to read more articles on controlling relationships, please feel free to read 5 Signs Your In A Controlling Relationship and 5 Tips To Break The Control Of A Controlling Relationship
